The restlessness is setting in again. I can't sit still. I find myself pacing. I find myself sitting on the porch in the middle of the night watching a lightning storm. It's making me crazy.
The color green, the feel of grass, the smell of sandal wood, the sound of an airplane or of running water...they all make me go crazy.
I just want find a field and run, to find a tree and climb, to get in the car and drive until the road ends. There is something inside of me that refuses to settle down, and to be honest, it's making me crazy.
I am tired of living the immature life expected of someone my age. I am sick of dealing with silly teenage romances and silly teenage dramas...I want something serious. I want something real. Do you ever feel like you're in a phase in your life that you just want to get out of? I am done with the mundane teenage years of my life.
It's not easy, being different from everyone my age. It's not easy always being the grown up one. It's not easy being the one who is always single because I don't throw myself away on any little childish romance that comes my way.
It's hard. But in away it's better. Because I don't really want to be like everyone else. I really, really don't. There is nothing in me that wants to conform, but it's not easy. It's not easy feeling like you're always on the outside of that circle. It's hard to make the decision to be the outcast. It's a constant fight, but it's one of those fights I refuse to lose.

So today, I was at this pool party and I was feeling that sort of caged feeling I get when I am around people my age. So I decided to leave. Yes, I had my phone and ipod and yes the chances of a down pour were at about 100%, but I couldn't stand it, so I left.
And I got about two minutes into my 15 minute walk and it started raining. And honestly, it was just what I needed. I danced in the rain in the middle of the street. Yes...yes I did. Yes, people thought I was crazy. (I am....shh, don't tell!) I needed to just let go of all of those negative thoughts and just...be.
It was glorious. Half of the sky was a deep, deep purple-black flashing with forks of lightning while the sky behind me was an almost heavenly shimmering gold. In between them was a striking rainbow, so I just climbed to the top of a hill, wrapped my ipod and phone in a towel and watched the sunset in the pouring rain.
It was what I needed. Just a little time to myself. I don't need it to get easier. A very wise man told me that we don't want the burden of being different to get easier, because once it does, we become numb and loose our individuality. It's an epiphany I had today. I don't want it to get easier, because a life of ease is not what we were promised if we want to follow Christ. We were promised hardship and pain and sorrow but we also get joy. And a lot of time, joy does not mean happiness. So yes, epiphany. And you all know what happens when Emma has an epiphany or an emotional moment....yes...poetry is the outcome. More like a prose, because it never really rhymes. Oh and by the way, it's quite a leap for me to share poetry, so feel honored.

                                                                
                                                              It Doesn't Get Easier
                                           
                                                              It doesn't get easier
                                                             The old pain is still there
                                                             The dull pounding ache
                                                             That makes you lie awake
                                                             Sometimes life isn't fair
                                                             And it doesn't get easier

                                                             It doesn't get easier.
                                                            When you're the only one
                                                            I try so hard to stay the same
                                                           While they play all of their silly games
                                                           Sometimes life just isn't fun
                                                           And it doesn't get easier.

                                                            It doesn't get easier.
                                                           When you're always on your own
                                                           Others will find a hand to hold
                                                           Sitting by yourself really gets old
                                                           Sometimes in life you feel alone
                                                          And it doesn't get easier.

                                                          It doesn't get easier.
                                                         When they all work for selfish gain
                                                          I see people dying every day
                                                         Never seeing light, finding their way
                                                         Sometimes this life is full of pain
                                                         And it doesn't get easier.

                                                         It doesn't get easier.
                                                         When you're the only one who sees what's true
                                                         When you feel the strong desire to go
                                                         When others don't even seem to know!
                                                         Sometimes this life just isn't meant for you
                                                         And it doesn't get easier.

                                                         It doesn't get easier.
                                                         But do you want ease to come?
                                                         To just forget the world and all the sorrow?
                                                         To live today and forget tomorrow?
                                                         It is better to ache than to be numb
                                                         I hope it won't get easier.

                                                         It doesn't get easier.
                                                         This world is falling to its knees
                                                         It's time to act, to answer The Call
                                                         I'll give You everything...I'll give it all!
                                                         Lord I beg you, I beg you please...
                                                         ....Don't let it get easier.

Hope you enjoyed the ramblings of a caffeinated and confused young blogger.