Never Quite Healing

I wish someone could answer all of the questions I have. I wish I didn't have so many questions. I wish I had easier questions. I wish I didn't have any questions at all!
It seems like there is never a time in life that I'm not battling hurt and pain and anger. There is always something that effects me negatively, and I have to constantly remind myself to count my blessings, enjoy the little things, smile...I don't think that's the way it is supposed to be!
I shouldn't have to fight to be happy! It shouldn't be a constant battle, it shouldn't be such a struggle for me to feel okay.
Of course there are days that I am honestly happy. I can forget about my troubles for awhile, but it all comes back so quickly.
For example, yesterday was a happy day. I got to spend the day wandering around the woods with a friend. I got wonderful news and I spent the evening at the park with people I haven't seen in forever. I got to have an amusing conversation turned deep with another good friend. I listened to Jack Johnson and Sarah Haze while watching my sisters dance. It was a wonderful day.

Then there was today. I found a letter from someone who shall remain nameless. It was an old letter from this person who has seriously hurt me and it was one of those same old apology-promise-excuses letter. You know the kind I'm talking about? The kind of letter that is full of "I'm sorry for..." "I promise I'll be better..." "It's only because..."
Well, needless to say, I got those letters dozens of times throughout my growing up years, and needless to say, the promises in those letters were always broken. The apologies were never enough. The excuses were the same every time.
So that brought up raw memories. It hurt. It still hurts. And I had to make a concious effort to throw that letter away and not dwell on the past.
Then, like an idiot, I decided to read some of my old journals. I was just organizing my books on my bookshelf and found them so I sat down to read. Bad idea.
It took me back to simpler times. Happier times. When a boy liked you he offered you a camel and you make up a fiance in the US and you're back to being best friends. It took me back to the time I knew exactly who I was.
And then the pity party started. I sat on my bedroom floor asking why. Why did I have to go through all of this? Why did I have to be the one who had to grow up so quickly? Why did I have to be the "strong" one?
And with every pity party comes the point where I have to decide to pull myself up by the bootstraps and suck it up. I have to make myself happy, and I have a happy ritual.
I play my music, I sit on the kitchen counter and look out the window and drink tea. It makes me relax, which makes me focus.

So I went through the motions again. Anger, sadness, getting over it. Same old motions I have been going through almost every day for 2 years now.
I know that life is full of heart ache and that I am never going to be 100% happy. I know there is always going to be some sadness, I know there is always going to be a struggle and I know that I am going to have to keep my head up and make a concious effort to be happy....but the truth it right now I am just tired.
I am exhausted with it all. I just don't want to hurt any more.


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