My Epiphany

Yes, I know it's nearl 1:00 in the morning. I know I should be sleeping, considering I didn't get to sleep until nearly 4:00 a.m. yesterday but it is because I didn't get to sleep till 4:00 that I need to stay up late tonight and tell you what happened.
Okay, so yesterday was just an all-around bad day and I won't even go into it all. I was feeling extremely emotional and I honestly had no idea why. You know that feeling you have when you know that something is wrong but you don't exactly know what? Well, yeah, I hate that feeling. Because I can't fix something I don't understand.
So I get to Grandma and Pawpaw's at about midnight and I am so mad at Austin, and I don't know why. So I went inside and saw Pawpaw and started crying.
I sat inside with him for a long time, talking things out and still not feeling like I had hit the nail on the head. I was still confused, still angry about something, and I decided to go out to the driveway where he was sitting, it was about 1:45 by now. I sat down beside him, and I started talking to him. Really talking just like we used to. And I had a mid-crisis epiphany.
I asked him, I said:
"Why did you never take care of me? I was always taking care of everyone else and I always had to take care of myself. I always had to stick up for myself. I always had to comfort and lift myself up. You are the older one. You were the one who was supposed to love me and protect me. Why did you never take care of me?"
Ladies and gentleman, I have come to the almost embarassing conclusion. Me, Emily Suzanne Doris Jones, would like (and I would almost say "needs") someone to take care of her occasionally.
I want someone who worries about me. Who is protective of me. Who cares about me. It sounds so selfish, I know, but it's something I need every once and awhile. And it was always supposed to come from Austin.
He is my older brother. He is supposed to want to protect me and worry about me, and he never really has because I've always done it for myself.
Someone teases me (or him, for that fact) I take 'em down. Someone gropes me at a football game, I punch them in the face. Someone says something innapropriate, I stare them down.
It's always been that way, and I don't blame Austin at all. He told me straight up, he just never thought I needed/wanted anything from him. I always seemed to have it under control and he didn't even consider the fact that I might need help or comfort.
So we stayed up until 3:30 in the morning, talking it out. It was like old times. I told him what I needed. He apologized for not being there when I had needed him before. He promised to try. I promised not to expect the world from him.
It was so needed. I had felt us growing apart lately, and this conversation, no matter how hard it was to intiate, was so necessary.
And I had the epiphany. I know what has been hurting me lately, and now that I know what it is I can make my needs clear. I felt selfish for awhile, but I think it's perfectly normal for anyone to need a few things occasionally. It's normal for me to need a little help, someone to lean on. And I need someone who is willing to take the wheel for awhile and wants to make me feel loved and safe.
So while all this is going on, we kind of need comic relief and God provided it.
I am going to tell you all one last story that will either leave you dazed and confused or rolling on the ground laughing. My reaction was a bit of both.
While we were talking, we saw a car pull over under the street light on the highway right in front of us. Two girls in nothing but their under clothes got out and started dancing around to the music blaring from their car. They danced in the neighbor's yard, oblivious to our presence, for about a minute or two, then stumbled back into their car and left.
It was exactly what we needed to break the intensity of the situation. All in all, it was a horrible day turned wonderful. I feel so much better to have gotten it all off of my chest and into the open. Now I actually know what has been wrong with me lately and I can fix it.
If you're having problems with someone, I seriously suggest just talking it out. It helps. I promise.


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